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It was another few days after I left the hospital before the trauma of everything I’d been through really sunk in. Finding out about the loss, deciding how to handle things, the delivery, the scary moments that sent us to the hospital, continuing to lose so much blood, the procedure they did while I was awake, losing consciousness, surgery, recovery and then all the changes.

All my plans and expectations changed overnight. My body changed and continues to change. My hormones are still swinging. My pretty pregnancy nails all broke off last week and my pregnancy curls have fallen flat. My kids’ behavior is off as they adjust to changes and deal with the scare of sending their mom to the hospital in such a hurry and not seeing her until late the next day. So many changes. It just doesn’t seem like it should be such a big deal.

The best medicine

The best medicine

As often happens after life-altering change, I am seeing people differently. Last week walking through the grocery store I scanned the crowd realizing the depth of all these people and their experiences. People deal with so much and they still get up and go to the grocery store. They still drop their kids off at school and go to the bank. Is that man caring for his ailing mother? Is that mother raising a child with special needs? Has she just buried a parent? Or a child? Is he in pain? Is she fighting cancer, disease or mental illness? Is his son struggling at school?

For the last few weeks, when someone cuts me off I assume they have a good reason. When someone is rude I assume they are suffering and can’t cope. When someone looks tired and haggard I assume that they are sacrificing themselves for someone else.

Life is messy and sometimes it hurts. I have been abundantly blessed through every step of this journey but still the trauma and disappointment catch up here and there. I have felt all the love of Heaven wrapped around me. I have been lifted up and carried by dozens of earthly angels (you know who you are). Still, sometimes there are tears.

I love my life and grateful for every part of it. I am grateful for the hope of a bright future and the knowledge that my family is forever. I look forward to the day when the pain is gone and my tears are dry. But I hope my current perspective of humanity and desire to be a better friend and neighbor stays for good.

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